The Theory of Pie

A few months ago, my southern friends made me aware of a phenomenon that's become a ubiquitous and wonderful accessory of their convention-attending experience: Pie. Pie, my friends, is a high-sugar, high-proof alcoholic beverage of the homecrafted variety. It's like moonshine's pigtails-and-Daisy-Dukes-wearing sister - she has the smile of an angel, but leaves a trail of human carnage in her wake.

It really does taste quite a bit like apple pie filling - its cinnamon/fresh apple/buttery flavor has sweetness, tartness and barely a hint of that alcohol flavor (you hardly know that it's an alcoholic beverage until that first sip hits your belly and the warmth begins... quite like, well, apple pie). After trying both the Apple and Cherry varieties, I can and must perpetuate it's creation and consumption.  A friend's birthday happened this weekend, and I thought "what better place to guinea-pig bestow this new discovery?" Because I love you and don't believe in keeping this a closely-guarded secret ("...and then we never heard from Amy again...") I'm posting the results.

I decided to attempt my own with naught to guide me but the Internetz. I found a forum with a few hastily-transcribed recipes online, but they were strongly debated as to the "truest" recipe. Not being unfamiliar with the principles of baking and infusions, I married what I found to be the better parts of all, and this recipe is the result. I'm sure there are a million version out there (that's the joy of homecrafted boozes) and I'm sure mine is no better or worse than any other, but I did destroy several of my friends last night, and that's what it's all about.

So. Here you are.

Apple Pie

• 1 gallon apple juice
• 1 gallon apple cider
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 2.5 cups white granulated sugar
• 1 tsp. apple pie spice (or substitute with your own concoction of mulling spices)
• 2 tbsp. orange zest
• 3 golden apples, sliced and seeds removed
• 2 tbsp. vanilla extract
• 3-7 cinnamon sticks

Bring the combined above components to a boil and reduce heat. Simmer for a half hour, then let cool completely to room temperature. Remove cinnamon sticks and retain all available liquid out of softened apple slices. Strain through triple-folded cheesecloth several times to remove majority of cider silt and grains.

Stir in:

• 3 cups everclear or high-quality vodka (vodka will make a lower-proof end product, but will probably kill fewer people)
• 1/2 cup goldschlager or cinnamon-flavoured liquor
• 1/2 cup buttershots or butterscotch-flavoured liquor

Adjust quantities of alcohols to taste, or according to your level of sadism. Pour into glass jugs or mason jars and keep in a cool dark place to allow “the magic” to happen for a little while, preferably a couple days. I kept mine in the fridge to chill, but you may not have or want to. 

Or, you know. Drink immediately. Up to you. 

As they say, enjoy responsibly. Or while wearing pants on your head. Preferably, both.

EDIT: And because I love you even more, here are the labels I threw together.